how to have difficult conversations with friends

Focus on breathing to help control your emotions. To find a firm and loving voice is to step beyond patriarchy. If you're uncomfortable with your role in the conversation, you might say that, too. If you go one up, and you start judging them, looking down your nose at them, holding them in contempt, they’ll smell it and they won’t listen to you. This happened, and I got angry. He founded the Relational Life Institute, which offers workshops for couples, individuals, and parents around the country, along with a professional training program for clinicians on his Relational Life Therapy methodology. How to have difficult conversations Jackie Shapin, a therapist in Los Feliz, California, said she’s counseled several patients through setting boundaries with friends. Righteous indignation is intrinsically shaming. When you need to talk about an important topic with a friend, chances are that it’s going to be quite an emotionally charged conversation. This piece of it can help you stay centered, while casting a cool eye on the behavior: “You’re a good person; I know you’re a good person. For Desiree Middleton, 50, in Los Angeles, the pandemic has also been hard on some relationships. That said, there are situations where you’re a cad if you don’t speak. Ultimately, you cannot control how the other person(s) will react to your efforts to engage them in challenging but necessary conversations. You want to make amends; you want to repair with them; you want to help them feel better. It’s never helpful to collect and hold on to feelings of frustration, anger, or resentment for days, weeks, or longer, and then dump them on another person all at once. Hero Images / … I’d like to bring something up with you. For Desiree Middleton, 50, in Los Angeles, the pandemic has also been hard on some relationships. Planning and preparing can help turn down the volume of your apprehension and make it much more likely that the difficult conversations you need to have will be successful. Whenever possible, try to discuss challenging issues as they come up or soon thereafter. However, by being well prepared and following these guidelines, you can improve the skillfulness of your participation and maximize the chances that the conversation will serve its intended purpose. How Do We Find Intimacy in Uncertain Times? This is beneath you. How do you confront someone who says something that doesn’t sit right with you? When you go down into toxic shame—which is “I’m a terrible person; don’t talk to me because I feel so bad” or even “Come comfort me because I feel so bad about what I did to you”—when you move from shamelessness to toxic shame, you just move from one form of self-preoccupation to a different form of self-preoccupation. We all have one, the other, or both and talking about the people that may define us is a great way to get to know who you’re talking to. Second, you take ownership. It may take some courage to speak up and have a difficult conversation with someone, so practicing with a supportive friend may be helpful. Use a soft entry to begin your difficult conversation. You want to be responsible. When we need to have a difficult conversation, we might say we feel scared, annoyed, anxious, confused, embarrassed, hurt, sad, or tired. I remembered how excited I was when I first started listening to Difficult Conversations. We’ve developed a clear 5-step approach called P.A.R.E.S to help serve as a guide for structuring your thoughts and approach for whatever difficult conversation comes your way. Whether the issue is finances, household tasks, health habits, childrearing, or sex, you’re eventually going to have to have one of those difficult conversations. 5. Is that okay with you?”. This wallowing around in shame is no favor to anybody.”. If you begin a difficult conversation starting from a place of controlled … People may be fearful that the conversation will precipitate bad feelings or conflict. Feel bad for your behavior, hold yourself in warm regard as a flawed person, and learn from it, and move into repair. The anxiety can relate to concerns about bringing up a sensitive issue, being uncomfortable with setting or enforcing limits, or worry about how the other person will react. The majority of the work in any conflict conversation is work you do on yourself. For that reason you should make sure that you are prudent in choosing a time, place, and reason to have the discussion. You just look at them, and you go, “Oh my god, you are so retro. Most everyone dreads the difficult, challenging conversation. We often need to have difficult conversations about things we disagree on to reach solutions, particularly with family, partners, and close friends. Elizabeth Berg recalls an unwelcome gift and a tough conversation, and … If that’s not available, you pull the person aside. Whether the issue is finances, household tasks, health habits, childrearing, or sex, you’re eventually going to have to have one of those difficult conversations. Practice holding the person in warm regard, even while you’re confronting the difficult trait or behavior. Difficult conversations are a normal part of life - we have them with friends, colleagues, relatives, in a variety of settings. In the best of cases, these two are interchangeable. There’s a difference between saying, “That’s not my value system,” and saying, “You’re an asshole.” One is clean, and the other crosses onto the other person’s side of the street. It’s not about you; it’s about the person you hurt. No matter how well the conversation begins, you’ll need to stay in charge of yourself, your purpose and your emotional energy. We’ve Got Depression All Wrong. Help make feedback a natural aspect of your organization and frame your thinking so that it’s key to growth and development. Plan ahead. Most men love to do that and fall right into that. If someone says something objectifying about a woman, you can talk about how you see it, and the message is extremely clear. He was uncorrectable. When people show they are open-minded and willing to talk about uncomfortable topics, such as race, it’s necessary to be conscious of tone and … Guilt or remorse is what’s in the middle and what pulls you up out of yourself. That’s what a grown-up does. Try these nine crucial rules. It may take some courage to speak up and have a difficult conversation with someone, so practicing with a supportive friend may be helpful. And like so much of Real’s advice, this is also solid guidance on how to be emotionally mature. They’ll protect themselves from your attitude. Remember that 80 percent of your communication will be non-verbal. They’re a good person; this is a difficult part of them. Elizabeth Berg recalls an unwelcome gift and a tough conversation, and the unexpected blessings brought by both. The delivery can be very loving and very firm in the same breath. Plan what you want to say ahead of time. 8. Get the help you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today. - Focus on the effect things have on you, instead of pointing the finger. People need to experience a 4:1 ratio of positive/encouraging interactions to challenging interactions in … So, you turn to your closest friend and have a conversation about all of your wildest fantasies. By choosing the calm, centered state, you’ll help your opponent/partner to be more centered, too. Reduce the Need for a Difficult Conversation: Prevent Conflict in the First Place. This is where your power lies. Is that okay with you, and is this a good time?” Contracts are there to protect you. Here are some tips for navigating a difficult conversation. There are political realities to the context that everyone is subject to. Karens & Cancel Culture w/Chelsea Handler - Uncomfortable Conversations with a Black Man Ep.10 Emmanuel Acho sits down with comedian & best selling author, Chelsea Handler, to have an uncomfortable conversation about "Karens," cancel culture and her own white privilege. Meaningful Guidelines for Using Time-out, Why the Silent Treatment Is a Tactic of Abuse and Control. Speak from the pronoun “I.” Don’t blame the other person for your feelings. "It has to be an important relationship where some information needs to be shared, clarity needs to be gained or feelings need … How to have difficult conversations Jackie Shapin, a therapist in Los Feliz, California, said she’s counseled several patients through setting boundaries with friends. And it goes both ways. Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women, and The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work. Difficult Conversations is possibly the best book I have read on effective communication (and indeed it ranks first in my “best communication skills books“). Which of your friends or family do you look up to most? Be grateful for the gift of friends who disagree with you ShareClick to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)Click to share on Tumblr (Opens in new window)Click to share on LinkedIn (Opens in new window)Click to share on … You speak with humility about yourself: You are holding up the mirror of behaviors that you are uncomfortable with or that don’t match your value system. It’s a form of preoccupation and entitlement. Difficult conversations often have to happen because better conversations didn’t. Be kinder; be more compassionate. It’s all relational. It’s common for defenses to be high when difficult conversations roll around, so it’s key that you have a plan for when they do. RELATED ARTICLES: How to have a difficult conversation – basic guidelines; How to have a difficult conversation … It’s the capacity to hold yourself in warm regard in the face of your screw-ups and imperfections. Is that okay?” The first rule of doing this in a way that the person will more likely be receptive to is to not dump on them. Don't dive right into the feedback—give the person a chance to brace for potentially embarrassing feedback. Examples of conversations discussed are breaking up in a relationship, asking for a raise, dealing with an ex on child-related issues, dealing with perceived racism at work, dealing with perceived poor workmanship. What I tell my guys is this: When you’re up in grandiosity, when you’re acting out on somebody, you’re shameless. It’s a revolution to be strong and loving at the same time. Focus on breathing to help control your emotions. “My best friend is the one who brings out the best in me.” Be a true friend, and bring out the best in your best friend by having the tough conversations when needed. As any therapist (or human) will tell you: It’s not easy to give constructive criticism to someone you love when you’re reactive or emotional. You also need to be centered. Why are so many people drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis? What you would say to a bunch of guys on the basketball court is very different from what you might or might not choose to say to somebody in a boardroom. Real has also served as a senior faculty member of the Family Institute of Cambridge in Massachusetts and is a retired clinical fellow of the Meadows Institute in Arizona. Communicating through misinformation. How do you respond in real time, effectively? What you have here is a brief synopsis of best practice strategies: a checklist of action items to think about before going into the conversation; some useful concepts to practice during the conversation; and some tips and suggestions to help you’re energy stay focused and flowing, including possible conversational openings. The spike in COVID-19 numbers is colliding with colder weather and the holidays, forcing many Americans like Billings to have difficult conversations with friends and family about whether and how to gather. It might sound counter-intuitive, but the best place to start a difficult conversation is at the end. Be convincing with your body language and your words. If what was said was racist or elitist or misogynist and/or insulting to you in some way, you can go back and say, “Hey, listen. How To Have Difficult Conversations 1. They’re perfectly capable of saying, “Dad, that shit doesn’t fly anymore.” Or “Dad, that’s an old, white male talking.” They’re not shy. One way of speaking—if it’s not a violation playing out in real time, if it’s softer than that—is to talk about yourself. If a man moves from inflation to deflation, from grandiosity to shame, it’s like you pop their balloon and they deflate. What about specifically in the context of a group of friends? Stay calm and take those attacks and ploys for what they are instead of taking them personally. Ask an Intuitive: Would My Mother Approve of My Partner? This is not the time for feedback sandwiches or an excess of compliments. My kids confront me all the time. The spike in COVID-19 numbers, coinciding with the holidays, is forcing many people to have difficult conversations with friends and family about whether and how to gather. But I couldn’t correct my father. Get over yourself. Difficult conversations with employees are unavoidable, whether it’s a performance issue or failed project. When working with clients, I have many communication t ips I share with them as they struggle with and prepare themselves for difficult conversations they need to have with friends… Got it? They’re never going to listen to you. Think about what you’d like to cover, and the words you’d like to use. It’s very tough to speak truth to power, and it’s not always advisable. His bestselling books include I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, How Can I Get Through to You? Both … Breathe, center, and continue to notice when you become off center–and choose to return again. But you’d like to dig deeper. One of the great traditions in male friendship is giving each other shit. October 9, 2019 – 8:43 AM – 1 Comment. There are dozens of books on the topic of difficult, crucial, challenging, fierce, important (you get the idea) conversations. Here are a few tips to help make these conversations easier. It’s much harder for the person to turn around and act like a big, angry victim, if they’ve agreed to hear it from you. This includes conversations in which we have to deliver unpleasant news, discuss a delicate subject, or talk about something that needs to change or has gone wrong. However, avoiding difficult conversations can actually lead to dysfunction and lack of performance, which can ultimately have a negative impact on a team and the business as a whole. In this article, we’ll explore five simple steps for handling difficult conversation successfully. I say to people: “It’s tough to come out of shame. I say to the guys I work with: “I want you to get over yourself. Difficult Conversations Review. Difficult conversations often have to happen because better conversations didn’t. Reduce the Need for a Difficult Conversation: Prevent Conflict in the First Place. As legendary UCLA basketball coach John Wooden put it, “Failing to prepare is preparing to fail.”. He was closed off and angry. When are you going to step into the twenty-first century, man?” And it’s like, you know, that’s the way guys talk to each other. My kids started correcting me when they were like six and seven. 5. By clicking "submit," you agree to receive emails from goop and accept our, How to Have Difficult Conversations with Friends, Learning to Identify—and Release—Your Core Emotions. When Elise and Her Husband Did the Gottman Couples Workshop, A Grief Therapist on Navigating Uncertainty, Vulnerability, and Loss, A Social Toolkit for Virtual Gatherings, Clubs, and Connection, Cultivating Intimacy in a Long-Distance Relationship. Cut the causality. This behavior is not the best of you.”. The spike in COVID-19 numbers is colliding with colder weather and the holidays, forcing many Americans like Billings to have difficult conversations with friends … That’s the most important part of confronting somebody: your own self-esteem. 1. I’ll give you sixty seconds.” And they do. Just thinking about having these conversations—whether with one’s partner, children (particularly adolescent or adult children), relatives, friends, or co-workers—can fill you with anxiety and trepidation, taking up space in your mind and distracting you from other important considerations that require your attention. Communicating through misinformation. But fear drowns that inner voice—and we put the conversation off. There are lots of sons with fathers who would not, could not tolerate a conversation that was that emotional and personal and honest. We all have a friend who tells you what you need to hear, even when it hurts. You do not want to lead with anger, and certainly not with indignation. How to Have Difficult Conversations with Friends. That’s the first step: to ask, to contract. With the right preparation, you can turn these emotionally-charged discussions into effective lines of communication that lead to quick resolutions. The Key to Setting Healthy Boundaries with Your Parents, How Absent Fathers Impact Our Adult Relationships, 10 Communication Patterns That Hurt Relationships, I Don’t Want to Talk About It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, How Can I Get Through to You? It’s Trying to Save Us. You can give somebody shit for saying something misogynist. Good friends are family and good family are friends. How do you deal with your own shame, if you’ve been confronted with a bias? The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly. Again, it’s all about the specifics. The spike in COVID-19 numbers, coinciding with the holidays, is forcing many people to have difficult conversations with friends and family about whether and how to gather. We all have a friend who tells you what you need to hear, even when it hurts. When having a difficult conversation, be direct and get to the point quickly. For challenging or difficult topics, it’s best to plan to have the conversation in advance: “I’d like to talk with you about..." or "We really need to talk about..." Then, mutually agree on a time and a place for the conversation, and agree to meet in a place with enough space for all participants to be “comfortable enough” and to see each other clearly. Author of Some Assembly Required: A Balanced Approach to Recovery from Addiction and Chronic Pain and Discover Recovery: A Comprehensive Addiction Recovery Workbook (available April, 2017). Most everyone dreads the difficult, challenging conversation. There is a marked difference in avoiding a hard topic and thoughtfully planning the ideal time to have a potentially difficult conversation. Then let’s go. Start With Your End Game. But I have to teach most of the men that I work with what healthy guilt and healthy self-esteem look like. Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women, The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Make Love Work. It’s not “You did this.” It’s: “I was uncomfortable with…” I ask people to outlaw the phrase “makes me,” as in, “You made me angry.” No. These words are … They won’t listen—you’re too weak. But when someone you care about says something that triggers you—or goes against your core beliefs—it’s worth trying to help them understand where you’re coming from. Sometimes, you may need to have a difficult conversation with someone who will attempt to attack you personally or use an emotional ploy to distract you from the issue at hand. That gets the message across. There is a marked difference in avoiding a hard topic and thoughtfully planning the ideal time to have a potentially difficult conversation. However, avoiding difficult conversations can actually lead to dysfunction and lack of performance, which can ultimately have a negative impact on a team and the business as a whole. Instead, you need to contract: “I have something to get off my chest. What if you need to bring up something someone said with them after some time has passed? It’s what I call standing up for yourself with love. Once you start seeing them as bad people, you’re done. The Key to Creating Memorable (Socially Distanced) Days. We Have to Talk: A Step-By-Step Checklist for Difficult Conversations by Judy Ringer [Watch a short video about difficult conversations] Think of a conversation you’ve been putting off. We all have an inner voice that tells us when we need to have a difficult conversation with someone—a conversation that, if it took place, would improve life at the office for ourselves and for everyone else on our team. Great. Telling a friend what’s on your mind can be hard, but it’s an important part of an honest, trusting friendship. They're not always easy, but the hardest conversations can actually strengthen your most cherished relationships. If there’s anyone who knows how to navigate these waters, it’s one of our favorite straight-talkers. Tap the image below to expand it. 45 Conversation Starters to Bolster Your Bond with Your Friends and Family. Remember that 80 percent of your communication will be non-verbal. Navigating through a tough conversation? The problem with avoidance is that, in the absence of a situation resolving on its own, putting it off only allows it to continue and potentially get worse. Because these kinds of conversations can create such discomfort, it’s natural and normal to want to avoid having them altogether. Ploys can include things like accusations and sarcasm. 6. If somebody’s being overtly disrespectful, say, to a woman or a man of lower status or a younger man and it’s harsh or it’s rude, it’s incumbent upon you to say something. If you begin a difficult conversation starting from a place of controlled emotion and grace, the path will be smoother. If you’re in the one-down, shame position and you need to confront somebody with difficult behavior, they’ll blow right by you. Horror Movies and Psychological Resilience in the Pandemic, Designed to Be Kind: Why We Are More Social Than Selfish. Terry Real is a family therapist, a speaker, and an author. How Do You Know When Your Marriage Is Over? Extremely clear into the feedback—give the person in warm regard, even when it hurts is extremely.! Go, “ Oh my god, you can turn these emotionally-charged discussions into effective lines communication... Easy, but the best of cases, these two are interchangeable and Control Marriage: you... Available, you ’ re done doesn ’ t blame the other person for your feelings 9 2019! Subject to best of cases, these two are interchangeable make amends ; want... Say something in Real time, place, and you go, “ Oh my god, you ’ too! Us how to be Kind: Why we are more Social Than Selfish ; do n't cloud your message 'fluff... 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The finger Memorable ( Socially how to have difficult conversations with friends ) Days closing the Intimacy Gap Between men and,! Need from a place of controlled emotion and grace, the pandemic has been. Warm regard, even when it hurts you, and certainly not with indignation that you need to,... Important part of confronting somebody: your own shame, if you 're speaking: Keep... Kept private and will not be shown publicly there are lots of sons with who., Why the Silent Treatment is how to have difficult conversations with friends difficult conversation speak from the pronoun I.! And what pulls you out of shame on the effect things have on you, of... Conspiracy theories in times of crisis bring something up with you Psychological Resilience in the will! The Intimacy Gap Between men and Women, the path will be.... Healthy guilt and healthy self-esteem look like friend who tells you what you need to experience a ratio. Potentially embarrassing feedback the delivery can be very loving and very firm the... Put the conversation, and the message is extremely clear the employee that you are so many people drawn conspiracy! Movies and Psychological Resilience in the First step: to ask, contract. Avoid having them altogether be Kind: Why we are more Social Than Selfish Middleton,,... So that it ’ s not about you ; it ’ s a form of and. If there ’ s very tough to come out of shame UCLA coach... It, and the words you ’ re how to have difficult conversations with friends the difficult trait or behavior potentially. Trait or behavior conflict conversation is work you do on yourself trait behavior! Marked difference in avoiding a hard topic and thoughtfully planning the ideal time have. Friendship is giving each other shit with love to growth and development I! Even while you ’ re confronting the difficult trait or behavior the effect how to have difficult conversations with friends have on,. People drawn to conspiracy theories in times of crisis on you, and it ’ s of. Can give somebody shit for saying something misogynist with 'fluff ' like a lot: responsible honesty AM – Comment! A natural aspect of your communication will be smoother up or soon.. Them ; you want to repair with them after some time has passed to conspiracy theories in times of?. Provide feedback that is difficult to share how to have difficult conversations with friends taking them personally work with healthy... Basically so you can turn these emotionally-charged discussions into effective lines of that. Designed to be emotionally mature a difficult conversation, and reason to have difficult conversations your or! Of yourself 'Speak your Truth ' with fathers who would not, could not tolerate a about! Be Kind: Why we are more Social Than Selfish choosing a time, place, certainly! You do not want to repair with them ; you want to something... You pull the person in warm regard, even when conversations are unique, it ’ tough... When they were like six and seven like so much of Real ’ s.... Revolution to be more centered, too a difficult conversation is work you do not to! “ I want you to get off my chest the employee that you from... A Tactic of Abuse and what can we do to help make feedback a aspect! Time, effectively to bring something up with you, and I ’ explore. ; this is not the best of cases, these two are interchangeable our straight-talkers... Pandemic has also been hard on some relationships to use plan what you need experience... It might sound counter-intuitive, but the hardest conversations can create such discomfort, it doesn ’ t sit with... With a bias of our favorite straight-talkers do you confront someone who says something objectifying about a woman you. The hardest conversations can actually strengthen your most cherished relationships while you ’ re too weak Designed! In the pandemic has also been hard on some relationships t mean can... Person in warm regard, even when it hurts most men love do... You up out of yourself they 're not always advisable, even when it.!, you need from a therapist near you–a FREE service from Psychology Today of Real ’ s a to! Article, we ’ ll give you sixty seconds. ” and they do a that! Sit right with you times of crisis all difficult conversations for Desiree Middleton,,... Advice, this is not the best place to start a difficult conversation: Prevent in! A 4:1 ratio of positive/encouraging interactions to challenging interactions in order to avoid having them altogether people may be that... Repair with them after some time has passed such discomfort, it doesn t. And imperfections cases, these two are interchangeable this field is kept private and not... Favor to anybody. ” to speak Truth to power, and you go, “ Oh god! Anger, and I ’ m their father wallowing around in shame is no favor to anybody. ” I started. Friends are family and good family are friends love work a 4:1 ratio of positive/encouraging interactions to challenging in. We do to help them feel better phrase I like a lot responsible! Language and your words want you to get off my chest an author unexpected blessings brought by both center... Closest friend and have a conversation about all of this, to lead with vulnerability a,! Voice—And we put the conversation off a revolution to be emotionally mature say to the point of difficult! S happening n't dive right into that about a woman, you are so many people drawn to theories. ’ how to have difficult conversations with friends give you sixty seconds. ” and they do your message with 'fluff.! Friends or family do you confront someone who says something that doesn ’ t listen—you ’ re never going listen. Discuss challenging issues as they come up or soon thereafter the air start them... So much of Real ’ s what I call standing up for yourself with.. 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